This is the Beginning
Field Notes on Staying Human
The Masquerade created by author using Canva
The Burning
My body burns. It feels as if venom is trickling into my neck, chest, and left shoulder. I want to say that I’ve grown accustomed to the burning venom that both heats and aches. But I don’t think I ever will. I’d gotten a call from the hospital. The nurse told me my son was hospitalized.
Only a few weeks ago, I was promoted to lead mental health services at several school sites. A day after my son was discharged, my son was in an ebike accident. I took time off work to take him to the ER and follow-up appointments. My supervisor couldn’t understand.
“As an administrator with a custom calendar, you could have scheduled this in advance.”
I got quiet. In those moments, I learned something.
To cope, I visited schools and met new colleagues. I applied my care and skills to navigate sensitive situations. It kept me responsive to what mattered and out of my supervisor’s way.
The Mask
I wore a brave mask to work. It wasn’t real. I’d always promised myself I would stay real.
I blamed myself for getting into this position. If I hadn’t accepted this promotion, I wouldn’t be getting gaslit. I wouldn’t be here dealing with this. I would have had the freedom to support my son anytime he needed me. Without the guilt trips. Without the added work. Without the bullshit. For God’s sake, it was summer. Where the hell was my vacation? I needed it.
The Sorting
““Accept that something dismantling has to happen before you can build. As you look at the mess of life’s pieces and parts around you, trust that the materials you need are there. Start sorting: Which can go? Which should stay? How will you use them? Start now.” ”
I did this work for children, parents facing tough systems, and the community. I connected with many wonderful people along the way. I loved them. But I was being sliced.
Not by them, but by the system. The powerful bowed to it.
I chose my son. I chose myself. I chose my integrity.
