What is DARVO? How Toxic People Turn Themselves into the Victim

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Did you have a family member, partner, or friend who gaslit you? Did they make up false stories about you? Did you find yourself questioning your own reality? If you did, this may be what they wanted.

What you went through may be a classic example ofDARVO.

DARVO is a manipulation tactic. DARVOis what many offenders do when confronted with their wrongdoing. The acronym stands for:

• Deny accountability

• Attack the victim

• Reverse the roles o

• Victim and

• Offender

Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd first introduced this term in 1997. Naming these pattern can help survivors take back what was stolen from them.

Victim Blaming

Just before I left home at fourteen, my mother convinced my father and brothers that I was a bad person. She twisted the facts to make herself look like the victim. Instead of admitting her wrongs, she denied attacking me. This is not uncommon.

The aggressor denies or minimizes what they did. They want to avoid any accountability for their actions. I’ve seen this cycle repeated time and time again.

Perpetrators blame the person who was harmed. When someone else believes the lies, it can cause a second layer of trauma.

DARVO revictimizes and blames the victims. The blame compounds the shame that the victim may already feel for being violated. Once internalized, this adds another layer of trauma.

Being attacked, harassed, or assaulted can take a serious toll on the victim’s mental health. In DARVO, the person causing the harm questions the victim’s credibility. They may spread lies to tarnish the victim’s reputation. This causes more pain for the victim, especially when their family or friends believe the lies.

An Experience with DARVO

We see DARVO playing out globally. Some leaders deny what they did, even when there is video evidence. Instead of taking responsibility, they claim their victims asked for it.

Before reporting, victims wrestle with whether or not to report. They fear retaliation. Victims want to be believed when they report how they were abused. Victims stay silent when they do not feel safe reporting.

The truth is that my mother lunged towards me and shoved me into a solid wood kitchen table and chairs. To avoid blame, she fabricated a lie, making me the offending party. This was before I even had the chance to tell my side of the story.

For me, that betrayal hurt even more than the physical attack.

How to Reclaim Your Reality Right Now

When you face a DARVO attack, your nervous system may go into shock. To get out of that confusion, you need quick physical tools to help ground your body.

These 3 free Beyond Survival coping cards can help you.

[ Send Me the 3 Free Beyond Survival Cards ]

Naming the Truth to Heal

Years later, I finally found a therapist. Therapy helped me work through my pain and understand my past in a new way. Those healing experiences are part of what led me to become a healer myself.

As a professional, I have studied Dr. Freyd’s research on DARVO. Learning about this concept changed my life both personally and professionally.

Once I could name it, I understood: it was never about me.

Now, when I see DARVO, I can call it out instantly. Naming it helped me to feel validated. Like someone understood my pain. My hope is that other survivors feel some relief in being able to name it, too.

We can finally pause, breathe, and think: “Ah, this is DARVO.”

If you are dealing with DARVO, remember these core rules:

• Focus on your actions, not a false story of your character.

• Do not accept a version of events that twists your truth.

• Ask for perspective from someone outside the situation.

• Remind yourself: people who avoid accountability are often afraid of it.

A 5-Step Guide to Rewrite Your Narrative

DARVO can feel deeply confusing. At first, it was hard to rewrite my own story. With continuous practice, it became easier. When the emotional fog rolls in, you can move through these five coping steps:

1. Notice what is happening inside your body.

2. Accept your feelings instead of pushing them away.

3. Ask yourself what is true for you.

4. Give yourself compassion.

5. Rewrite the ending on your own terms.

Pause. Notice. Feel.

Notice what is happening inside your body right now. Watch your thoughts roll by like waves in the ocean or clouds moving across the sky. Do not judge them.

All feelings are okay. Fighting your feelings can turn pain into longer suffering. When we accept our feelings, we can begin to accept ourselves.

Ask yourself: Where are these thoughts coming from?